I'm unsure of how to proceed here
Lot's happened since last I wrote
But also, a lot of nothing happened
As is generally the case in my life
I still get most of my social interaction from work
And I still have noooo idea WTF to do with my life
But I've kinda decided that by January, I will start looking for real life employment
At least, something that is moderately in my field
I want to apply to school again
Because I'm pretty certain that working with teens with Asperger's is a thing I'd be good at
Mostly cause I am like
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OUT THE WAZOO
I am so unsure of how to proceed in that area also
Because how do you Google search "degrees in Asperger's?"
Believe you me, the results that come up are the opposite of helpful
ONLINE DEGREES, YES?
And I'm all
As much as being in a room full of strangers and trying to fit in with them is difficult
That is EXACTLY the shit I need to be doing
NOT being on the computer
Too much of my time is wasted interacting on the internets
Don't get me wrong
Facebook and all the social media have been awesome tools for helping me keep in contact with friends from college who've moved far, far away from the deep recesses of Northwestern Pennsylvania
And I'm all
GO FRIENDS, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY
Because I love them and I'm so happy to see them go out and pursue their dreams
I feel like I'm suffocating because I'm not also doing those things
And granted, I am learning a hell of a lot where I work now socially
I love the people I work with, mostly
And the thought of leaving genuinely bums me the fuck out
But I'M LIKE A BIRD and I WANNA FLY AWAY
because I know neither WHERE MY SOUL IS nor THE GEOGRAPHIC LOCATION OF MY DOMICILE
Apologies for the brief Nelly Furtado interlude
I have issues
So basically I've given myself four months to continue life as I've been living it
Which is to say, not really living to my fullest potential
And then it's application time
Though probably I should look into grad schools before that
I was also considering reconnecting with some of my high school personnel that helped me out when I was a perpetual train wreck
Like Sitz, my English teacher who steered me toward Allegheny and also kinda took me under her wing
And V, who put up with all my random angsty bullshit and who I think is secretly a saint
I'm just, ONCE AGAIN, unsure how to proceed
Because I'm learning that so much of life is about who you know
Granted, that's not the all of it
But it IS important
More important than I have ever realized
Even relevant to my own experience, because of the three jobs I've ever held, two I've acquired because of familial or friend connections
Of course, I've KEPT the jobs because I am a good worker
But I was given the chance because of those connections
And if I do connect to said people, I'm kinda hoping they might hook it up with THEIR connections
But then I wonder, am I really doing myself any favors by always leaning on other people to do the social grunt work for me? Even if that's how a lot of neurotypicals do it?
I look back on my life
And mostly I think
GOOD GOD, Y'ALL
What is it good for?
Is it absolutely nothing or absolutely everything?
How much of it is me and how much of it is the disorder?
Is there even a line between the two?
How do I reach people?
How do I exist, how do I embrace, how do I resist?