Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Wiggidy Wack

I am expected to care about all the things that I don't have the capacity to care about anymore.


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Just the Flax

Recently, I disclosed to a friend that I was diagnosed with Bipolar...which, as it turns out, she is diagnosed with too. In between bouts of Sororityland goings-on, I asked what sort of prescriptions she's taking, because I usually don't comprehend what is and is not a socially appropriate question. And she was all, "St. John's Wort and flax seed."

And I was all, derwhat?

At any given moment in the US, there are approximately eighty bagillion ads brandishing all sorts of new miracle drugs with the quick-fix that's just right for YOU. We're all about the quick fixes, us Americans, because our society is so face-paced...we've got drive-thru food, banks, coffee and hell, even car washes.

I soaked all that shit up for the past twenty-one years.

Part of it is maybe the illness, but I honest to god have not been able to quiet my mind for more than the thirty or so seconds it takes to begin a meditative breathing. It's so frustrating, because I really believe that if I could just sit and concentrate on my breath like I was doing early on in the year, I could begin to deal with everything that's going on.

I could be like this: -_-

When I feel like this: :DDDDD !!!@@##$ DDDD:

So what's really been my lifeline the past few weeks is knowing that I have a psychiatrist appointment with a doctor who will prescribe the crazy away. And yes, I have concerns that are typical with bipolar patients--I worry that part of what makes me me is going to be scraped away, that I'll turn into a corporate zombie (a conspiracy theory paranoia of mine), that the side effects of the drug will outweight its benefits, that I'll become dependent and increase the dosage until it's too toxic for my body--but in my current state, I would do just about anything to live in between. So when my friend started talking about warts and wheat (which is what my brain interpreted the herbal remedies she suggested to me into), I was really left-fielded.

Considering it's still about a month until I see the psychiatrist, and I'm desperate, I decided to take my friend's advice. I BOGO'd* the wheat and warts, and I'm taking it for a test run. Obviously, everyone's chemical makeup is different; some people, for instance, do not gulp down half-bottles of Nyquil (and no, it was not of the non-drowsy variety), nor do they have to take more than one Ambien to quiet the manic agitation at three in the morning. So I'm not investing all my hope that this will work, but I'm really trying to not view the 'take three day' directions as a company conspiracy to force you to buy twenty dollar boxes of fucking warts.


*Buy One Get One

Thursday, January 6, 2011

She's Not Broken, She's Just a Baby

Things I learned today:

1) Just because chocolate flavored Ex Lax tastes delicious does not mean you should eat twice the recommended dose;

2) There is a scientific approach to how best eat an ice cream sandwich;

3) It's more than me that struggles with bipolar and fibromyalgia;

4) Of the three people I never expected to tell about my disorders, every single one of them has gone out of their way to offer their support;

5) My neuroses, strange paranoias and wild gesticulations are part of my charm;

6) I might just be the luckiest unlucky girl alive.