Tuesday, September 16, 2014

In Transition

New job, new town, new friends, new life.
I'm about three weeks in, and it feels in equal turns stagnant and a whirlwind.
I suppose I've traveled enough to know that a change in geography does not make your struggles disappear, though I will say that any place you exist in will shape and change you in some way.
This new life should be the opportunity for me to develop into the person I'm becoming, but I see myself falling into old habits that have a tendency to pull me in a direction antithetical to growth.
Basically, I lay in bed all day and eat candy and cope very poorly with change.

Part of it are the forces beyond my control--my finances, which are constant threat to my physical and mental well-being; my Autism, which acts as a barrier to the outside world; and my fibromyalgia, that leaves me in constant physical pain and mental anguish.
The Sucky-Ass Trifecta.

At the risk of sounding like the platform of the Republican Party, I'm trying this new thing where I take more personal responsibility for my state of being.
True, I have been dealt several shitty hands in life. (Seriously, fibro is the fucking worst.)
But if I just lay back (or, as is more often the case, lie down) and let the pain consume me, I'm going to suck as a human being.
The pain will likely always be a part of my life, but I have to turn that around and make that life worth living, otherwise, what is the fucking point of even being alive?

I know what I have to do in order to be well again (or even if I could just get to the point where I didn't actively have fantasies about getting hit by a train to be put out of my agonizing misery), but it is, and always will be, an uphill battle.

And I am just too tired for that anymore.
I have to consider, though, that most of life is an uphill battle.
Is that stupid?
Absolutely. Because everything should be unicorns and rainbows.
But I think keeping the fact that struggle is just a part of life is an important perspective to have, because if we didn't have mountains, we would never learn how to climb them.
We would be clueless and dumb and we'd probably die in a flood at the foot of the mountain.
(Sometimes I get a little too in depth with metaphors--#aspergersproblems.)

I used to kind of bank on the idea that I was getting all of the shitty parts of life out of the way, and age 40 and on would be smooth sailing.
Perhaps it's not so much that it gets easier; perhaps we just develop better coping mechanisms, have more resources at our disposal, and have more life experience, patience and wisdom.

I am always, always, always thinking about transitions and liminal spaces.
It's breathtaking how things develop, grow, and change--particularly people.
So here I am, in my groovy, transitional state, wondering and dreaming about the person I'm going to be in twenty years.
Because she is going to be a total badass.