everything is more or less the same, plus or minus some diseases lol
but most importantly, and pertinently, the willingness to finally confront some trauma that happened about a decade ago and how never really dealing with it has echoed through my life, mind, and body, and why quarantine somehow became the fucking tipping point
so a few months after graduating from college, I was assaulted. I really and truly struggle with how to define it, and whether or not it even counts as assault because eventually it evolved in something beyond that, but our language to talk about things like this are kind of limited and I can't just say 'nnnnngghhhh' and scrunch up my face to convey what I really mean here, so this is where we're at: specifically, a person whom I trusted as a friend digitally penetrated me while we were hallucinating on my prescription sleep medication (which I later learned was a common experience among women, and the dosage guidelines were later halved for us because of all the people getting fucking DUIs and shit). I have no memory of the event itself, just the abject horror of waking up and not knowing why my fucking vagina hurt. To contextualize, I had not even kissed a boy at that point, nor had any desire up until that point to even touch myself, so I really and truly had no fucking idea what was going on down there. Some real Twilight Zone shit.
In retrospect it's pretty clear that I've always been more or less asexual--I always just assumed it was from trauma and an absolute unwillingness to trust any man whatsoever (#praxis). Now that I have more of a grasp of what asexuality means, I'd call myself a demisexual, because there have been people I've liked, dated, or just generally been attracted to, but it's always people with whom I've had some kind of preestablished relationship or bond with. I don't know how or why or even when it happens sometimes, but it does, and it always feels abrupt and weird and absolutely bewildering and because it happens so rarely, I don't really know how to cope with it most of the time. I don't like doing drugs because I don't like feeling out of control, and I don't like feeling romantic feelings for people for the same goddamn reason. Not like I completely lose my mind or anything--I'm sure I'm markedly less of a thirst monster than I think I am, but I probably get a little weirder because human communication is just never gonna be my strong suit. And overall I don't necessarily consider that a bad thing, because if the person in question is gonna be weirded out by the fact that my idea of flirting is to send a truly obnxious amount of cat pictures over Snapchat, an app basically created for sexting, then we are just fundamentally incompatible people.
But somewhere along the haze of further physical and sexual contact, almost always predicated by alcohol or drug use, I caught feelings and it was truly terrible.
The friend in question was involved with someone else, someone whom I also considered a friend. The shame I felt was--and ever remains--deep.
I think back even still, wondering how different the outcome could have been if I had just told someone.
I was sure I would lose my friends' respect and love. And I did, for some of them.
For the most part, I am okay with this. I don't consider myself blameless, and regardless of any mitigating circumstances, it's still the worst thing I've ever done to someone.
It's actually the reason I found out I am autistic. Because how could I have missed the signs? How did I not see that he was crossing boundaries that should not have been crossed? I literally majored in Women's Studies, how in the sweet merciful fuck could I allow myself to be put in that kind of situation?
As it turns out, it happens to the overwhelming majority of us.
Over ninety percent of autistic women have been sexually assaulted.
And it's statistically likely to happen again.
I entered into my first and only real relationship on the premise that it would help heal my trauma.
Ironically, it was actually the mother of the person I dated that suggested this as the solution to my damaged psyche.
Spoiler alert: did not go well
It was the first real relationship either of us had, so I can find some grace in that and say that he wasn't wholly irredeemable or abusive in any way. Just very immature, and saw me more as a cutesy amalgam of endearing quirks instead of an actual human autistic person. The cracks were readily apparent but I think we geuinely did care for one another even if we were completely wrong for each other. Our physical relationship developed way too fast, and in retrospect much of it was a trauma response from my first experience. The fundamental problem with our relationship, other than our extremely different value systems and personalities, was that we were not friends, and friendship, as well as trust, are the most important building blocks of a partnership.
so how does this all tie together?
whelp, I got a crush on a friend, and it really sucked.
it sucked for a long time, longer than I really care to admit.
I was too late, it was not reciprocated, and that is fine.
I am an adult, kind of.
We don't always get the love we want, and friendship isn't a consolation prize.
Sometimes you miss out on good things to make room for better things.
Worst case scenario, you just get some really dope ass Taylor Swift album lyrics.
But the thing I've been obsessing over/being incredibly existentially depressed over is the knowledge of all these relationships that I've lost out on over the years because I'm a weird, shy, traumatized, neurotic-ass goblin.
And I'm not even talking about romantic relationships, though there's those, too.
Just. I was fucking surrounded by the absolute coolest fucking people, and I missed out on knowing and loving them for a lot longer.
Facebook has been such a great way for me to communicate with people and make friends and I'm forever thankful for its existence, even if it is an overall blight upon humanity.
But lately I've just felt so consumed by all the shit that's ever held me back from being close to people, and I want to change that, but I don't really know how.
Peopleing is really fucking hard sometimes, but I have a completely different operating system and that makes it that much more difficult.
I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of what my problem with intimacy IS, but I don't exactly have the tools to change it. Unless there is a dating app specifically for weird fucking cryptids who may or may not expereince attraction towards you eventually if you give them a few months to several years and also don't accidentally spook them and trigger their flight response
So many people have five year and ten year plans and like, w h a t
I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want to do
I don't know if I want to get married, or have kids, I think it largely depends upon the person I'm considering doing those activities with
I do know that I long for connection, though, and as much as I love shitposting, the internet isn't enough anymore.
