Procrastinationpants

I have not done any of the things
Seriously
I have to read and review a 200 page book for eight pages
NO MAS
but
on the other hand
things could be worse

my car could have a) exploded or b) broken down in fartherawaythanBuffalo;
my laptop could have crashed during my comp, and I at least have a shitty backup;
I could have had a comp advisor that was like MENTALILLNESSDOESNOTEXISTPANTS;
I could have no insurance;
I could have not had the support system I has now.

I don't actually think dere is a point to this brog
Mostly I just don't wanna read anymore
And I don't want the first blog on my account to be like BTDUBBS SUICIDE :D
So I guess now it's just tangental and nonsensical
Which is fine cuz I feel like that's part of my personality
and FUCK YEAH BAGELS



EDIT I took all the adderall and didn't sleep and I don't know where I am right now only I mean that figuratively, ya dig?

Same Old Song and Dance

Six years ago today, I tried to kill myself.

I was desperate, afraid, and angry that no one was taking me seriously.

And today, I feel it's not that different.

As this semester has gone by, I've gotten progressively worse. Where I once was able to skim by, I am now unable. Incapable. I literally can't do anything except stare at a poster of kittens for hours on end. To stop the racing thoughts, I've resorted to watching ten plus hours of television a day, just so I feel like I can survive.

I haven't read in months. Well, years really--but I'm talking more specifically in terms of classwork. I failed, literaly failed my Black Studies midterm, which I'm ashamed to say is not my first failing, but possibly the most painful. I just can't think anymore, can't concentrate, can't do much of anything.

I'm 21 years old, and I'm burned out on life already.

I somehow managed to finish my comp, piece of shit as it is, but I got my first academic standards note from the Learning Commons for Contra. Fucking CONTRA. I think it's because I turned a paper in two hours late. Thing is, though, that the night before I had been driving home from a conference in Boston when my transmission fluid started leaking and the hood of my car was smoking. I had to drive three people in my car afraid that my transmission was going to explode, and when I finally got home safely, my first instinct was not "gotta turn already mostly written contra paper in!," it was "holy fuck, I can't deal with all this shit, solution=bed."

There are far worse things happening to far better people, so why can't I just buckle down and do what needs done? Why does this always, always, always happen to me?

Deb Dickey Thinks I'm Fiesty

Seriously, my life is complete.

EXCEPT FOR

the fact that everything is sucking right now.

I am still crazypants.
My comp is only 27 pages.
My contra professor is making hella assumptions and failing to understand just how crazy and fibromyalgiapants I am.

I am spontaneously sad sometimes, but then ten minutes later, I am completely fine.

I haven't read for class in a good three months.

I don't make sense most of the time.

I tried being medicated but that failed on an Homeric scale.
Is there such a thing as a Homeric scale?
Probably not.

But I am trying also to get a fifth year internship so I can fix all the things at Allegheny since they ADDITIONALLY fail on an Homeric scale.
Like most things, though, I am doing this last minute and offending most of the people I am trying to work with.

Goddamnit.

I have been watching the Kitty Cat Dance video for approximately five days straight.

As soon as I am all, okay brain, there is a sufficent amount of Mountain Dew in you, work tiemz nau, brain goes



and then I go



mostly because my brain only thinks on the levels of lolcats and Hyperbole and a Half.

...but yeah seriously I'm actually concerned that a one credit dance course is going to interfere with my ability to graduate.