I haven't updated in forever
Mostly because nothing ever happens to me
Aggressively bad things keep happening
They're #firstworldproblems bad things
And sometimes I'm just like
Just shut THE FUCK UP
Because okay, yeah, it sucks that YET ANOTHER DENTIST has fucked up THE SAME GODDAMN TOOTH
And YES YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY A FUCKTON TO REPAIR IT BECAUSE EVERY DENTIST IS AN INCOMPETENT SADIST AND INSURANCE COMPANIES LIKE TO DO THE OPPOSITE OF INSURE YOU
There are fucking people
IN THE UNITED STATES
Living in GODDAMN SHANTY TOWNS.
TOWNS COMPRISED OF TIN
WHERE THEY WORK IN MINES
WHICH IS PROBABLY SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE THAN WHERE I WORK NOW
The other day I calculated my total debt, finally
And I was like...$75,000? that doesn't even seem like a real number
I actually have more private loans than I do federal
A DERPA DERR
Because I had zero conceptualization of money as a senior in high school
Because those dumb fucks who ran the school were all
"Oh, college prep, you should probably take Trig 3 and calc, because those are certainly real things that you will encounter in your everyday life"
as opposed to
"ORIGHT, you're seventeen and you know shit about shit, how bout we setcha up with a nice consumer math?"
Well that would be RIDICULOUS
Because everyone know that consumer math is for POOR PEOPLE who can't afford to hire accounts or whatever the fuck people who deal with money are called
So then I just get in this super unhealthy spiral
Of feeling SUPER GUILTY that I'm privileged enough to have even GOTTEN loans to go to a place like Allegheny
But then also realizing that I graduated with a bunch of fucks who are all
WHY YES WE SUMMER IN THE CAYMAN ISLANDS. BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DEFINITELY NOT MADE UP PLACE AND WE LIKE TO USE SEASONS AS VERBS AND WEAR FUCKING NORTHFACE AND GO ON SO MANY ADVENTURES.
The point of me staying at home was to get mentally well enough to move. And really, it's not happening. One, because these fucks NEVER CALL ME BACK. Like. Maybe if you deal with psychically damaged people, you maybe inform them if you're just going to up and leave for weeks at a time, so they don't irrationally convince themselves that you hate them and then they stop seeking psychological services altogether and then get WAY WORSE than they were before?
I really want out of Erie
It's just a bad situation all around
But I BARELY make even working 40+ hours a week at my current job
And all my savings were wiped out the one year I didn't take out a private loan
I get so stuck
And I feel so helpless
And really, I'm not even depressed
At least on a neurochemical level
I just need new people, new experiences
Non-northwestern Pennsylvania type things
I wanna fall in love
I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna vigilante the shit out of some shady-ass dentists
But I feel like that's gonna keep not happening because A) I am terrified of losing the safety net I have when I'm at home, minimal as it is; B) I am brokeasfuuuuuuuuck; C) I have zero ability in relating to other human beings.
There's a quote from Dollhouse, something to the effect of "sometimes the people who most need to reach out are the least capable of it."
True. As. Shit. I am too afraid to reach out to people because of a shit ton of conditioned rejection and pride and fear.
Excuses, excuses, right?
I just wish I knew how to make it stop.