Sunday, January 13, 2013


So, the relationship that kinda-sorta happened has ended.
I think.
Well, I've been friendzoned, at least.
Which is kinda confusing, cause if I had to make the judgement call, I think it was more him pursuing me than anything else.
Or maybe it was more our friends were just like, damn, you guys are both socially retarded and ronery, I guess this could be a thing?
He's like natural sciences smart
And I'm humanities (lulz, I know, right?) and social sciences intelligent.
But anyway.
I still really have no idea why...I mean, we seemed to mutually agree that we like each other, but I guess I should have tried to suss out whether it was like like or middle school like.
At first I was like, maybe I'm horribly unattractive and snort when I laugh?
Then I was like, pssshht. As if.
I suppose the most logical explanation would be that he's busy?
But like, if you were busy in the first place, why would you be like, dateyes?
And like, he's still cool
And being friends is fine
I guess I'm mainly upset because it seems my track record for relationships with the opposite sex are like HELLOOOOOCRASHANDBURN
And I did not expect this one to be not a relationship quite so quickly
And I am SO MELODRAMATIC about my lack of ability to perceive things
So I just keep downloading breakup songs
And listening to fucking Amy Lee
And Christina Aguilera, I'll be honest
But then I'm like, Self, get ahold of you
This wasn't even a breakup
It was barely a relationship

Pretty much what I'm taking away from this is that a casual date is not a surefire track to relationshiphood
And that while I am still extremely awkward relationally towards males I am attracted to, I am at least capable of carrying on a conversation and being myself and whatnot.
AND ALSO there is this Led Zeppelin song called Tangerine that I downloaded because the last time we spoke about being not in a relationship, we spoke at length about my tangerine chap stick (or at least longer than most people discuss lip moisturizer). I felt comfortable enough to say that I was super anxious about kissing him because I was really worried about having chapped lips and I didn't want him to think I was gross cause of scraggly lips, and he was like, yeah, pretty much that doesn't matter.
So, I learned something.
And actually we never kissed.


He hugged me when I left, and instead of being a normal human being and just straight up reciprocating a friendly embrace, I kissed him on the cheek. But in a really weird spot, kinda right on his jaw line.
And then my face was instantly WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO ARE YOU SERIOUS
Because I have no control whatsoever over my face
And I didn't mean it like, sexily
It was just kind of reflexive
But like, I don't kiss people
Except my Italian relatives from Michigan
So really I have no idea WTF that business was about

So in summation, I am kind of bummed, but I at least know where I stand, even though I am still pretty thoroughly confused.