Take This Hand 'Cause I'm Out

Yesterday, my mom called to tell me that my grandmother is in the hospital. She's doing okay, but has pneumonia. The first thing I think of? Jesus Christ, I hope my uncle isn't there when I visit. Second thought was how I had neglected to call her this past weekend, but I'll save my guilt-riddeness for another time.

See, my uncle is creepy as fuck. Fairly certain there was some unwarranted early childhood inappropriate touching, but as I have no means of verifying that, I've let it go. In the sense that I don't bring it up at family gatherings. However, I have a physical aversion to this man. Physical, not just psychological or emotional. As I epic win at male character judgement, I trust this instinct and follow it to the best of my ability. Problem is, empowered as I may be within a feminist and women's studies context, I feel that I have very little control over who touches my body in the real world.

Now, not all touches are bad. I've recieved hugs and kisses and such from well-meaning friends and family that have made me feel uncomfortable, but I'd chalk that up to my extreme uncomfortableness with physical contact. I've definitely grown in the not-freaking-out-at-people-showing-me-physical-affection department, but I'm still fairly reserved when it comes to my space bubble. Unfortunately, I think this makes me come off as aloof. I am aloof to a certain extent, not because I think I'm superior or uncaring, but because as a rule, am emotionally baggaged and lack the social skills necessary to function in touchy-feely group contexts (re: sorority).

My goal this semester (strikingly similar to last semester's goal, sans my life being one long emergency) is to be more social. Not just attending sorority functions, which are uncomfortable to me on several levels (opposite sex, drinking, being around more than three people in general), but engaging with people beyond the superficiality of so how are your classes? (Not that I have anything against asking people how their days were, I'd just like to talk about something beyond first-day-of-orientation topics.)

I just realized that I'm way the fuck off topic.

So back to the reason that I wrote this before I spilled out my feelings about my life for the past six months, I'm afraid to visit my grandmother because I don't want my uncle to try and touch me. Sadly, he has all the power in this situation. (Backstory: He was in a motorcycle accident that gave him brain damage after he was running from the cops in Kentucky and was coked out and drunk, and now the family babies him even though I know he knows what is and is not appropriate conduct. Oh, and rather than coke and alcohol, he's addicted to Jesus...much worse, in my opinion.) Hypothetically, if I were to say fuckoffyoufuckingpervdon'ttouchme, that wouldn't go over so well with my grandmother, who is unaware that I'm a flaming liberal who *gasp* swears. (PS, I love my grandmother dearly. Just not entirely sure she gets me.) Potentially, I could get away with him not touching me on account of he doesn't bathe, but even then I feel that my family would look down upon that. My feminist consciousness is like, what the fuck, it's your body, do what you want but my social consciousness is like, holy shit, don't make your family mad, you're a girl and who are you to police who hugs you?

So, I have an unsolvable problem. I don't want to piss off my family, but I feel nauseated when he's in my general proximity. When my mom is around, he doesn't mess with me. ('Nother backstory: he sexually propositioned my mother after my father died, he stares at me, and once when he and my grandparents were at dinner, he stared at my mom who shouted WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STARING AT and he hasn't bothered her since. Love her.) My strategy for contact avoidance now is not going to my grandparent's before five, without my mom, or at all, and when he IS around, always staying low to the ground and generally ignoring him. It works in theory, but I don't want to avoid him at the expense of seeing my grandparents, both of whom are in their eighties. I'm going to have to stand up for myself eventually, but as I've been pegged as the good-girl sweetheart of the family (my competition is coke addicts, alcoholics, drop-outs and violaters of the law, so it's not like I have to even try), I feel like breaking out of that is going to hurt my family in some way. They all love my mom and appreciate her outspokenness, but for some reason, I think they'd be less than enthused if I went fucken ballistic and told my uncle off. And I can't just politely say gee uncle greg, you haven't bathed since '96, i'd prefer if you didn't touch me because he'd make an ordeal out of it. Subtlety is not his strong suit, so I'm pretty sure this is going to be pretty much a big deal.

Ass.