Is it what we need, and will we ever succeed?

Omfgggg I drank too much Mountain Dew again. As in, I can actually hear the HFCS giving me diabeetus as I write this.

Meh.

So the whole reason I'm writing now is because I'm trying to comp and I'm all LALALALANOTCOMPING which is alarming since it's due on Monday, which means I will have to go to Staples on Sunday and get it bound so I can turn it in on time.

Coherent?

MOUNTAIN DEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

And I was just thinking today, or rather, have been thinking for quite some time now, that I don't have a future. Or not so much that I don't have a future, but that I have so many options for a future that Brain shuts down and says timeforanap. I shut down partially because I am overwhelmed by the amount of loans I have--pretty much every flavor under the sun. Could be that I'll pay $58,000 on a $9,000 private loan because the state of Ohio for some reason does not have their shit together. Unlikely, sure, but the fact that such an unfathomable sum is even in EXISTENCE freaks me the shit out--I live my life in fives and ones, so even twenty dollars makes me feel like I'm a fucken millionaire.

And then, I think, wow, it's really incredible that I even have an opportunity to be in this much debt. Because the truth is, I charge more money on a single cup of goddamn coffee to my credit card than some people in so called "third-world" countries make in a week.

This astounds me.

Frightens me.

Makes me want to crawl in a hole and die from all my goddamn privilege.

A good friend once told me (pretty recently, actually) that I can't and should not beat myself up for this, because it's totally counterproductive.

And she said a lot of other things that make sense, like usual.

It's nice to have friends that are so logical. Clear-headed, especially when I can't be.

Won't be.

I'm an atypical depressive, that's for damn sure, and I hate it, hate it so much sometimes, but in some ways--in a lot of ways--I'm really lucky and grateful for it.

Maybe the reason I feel like I don't have a future is because my future is other people. Other people like me, other people not like me, other people I love, hate, am ambivalent towards. Ghandi said to be the change you want to see in the world, but I think that's only half right. All well and good in theory, sure, but to really change the world, I think, you've got to realize that you can't change the world, that idealism is damaging, that monumental gains lead to inevitably monumental backlash. To "change the world," I would argue, would mean to leave an impression on someone's heart, however large or small, without expectations of "change" in return. Paradoxically, to change the world, we must stop trying to change the world.