ruh-roh

some bad news:

I am pretty sure I have a brain tumor, and probably also face cancer.

Don't think that's a thing?

Look it up.

**EDIT: DO NOT LOOK UP FACE CANCER, SOME THINGS CANNOT BE UNGOOGLED

Okay so anyway, furreal, I have had a chronic eyebrow headache for about a month. Sinus headache, you say?

No.

That is not a thing.

...shut up.

Anyway.

I have never been particularly good at accurately gauging time lapses, but I'm fairly certain that these headaches coincide with the death of my grandmother. My gram and I were very close--she and my grandfather helped to raise me in my formative years, and I made a habit of calling her at least once every other week to see how she was doing. As of late (and by late, I mean like ten years--see, timesense is not a thing I possess), she's not been doing well--had not been doing well, rather--and pretty much everyone was like, okay, she's probs gonna die soonish, guess we'll make the most of our time and whatnot. But since my life was a giant sadface for the past three months or so (and by three months I mean chronic depression-y since fetushood), I had avoided contact for the most part because I didn't want her to know how sad I was.

Apparently that's a thing I've been doing since I was little. My childhood psychologist told me that I had told him I didn't want to talk about my dad with my mother because I didn't want to hurt her. The FUCK a six-year-old thinks that kind of shit.


**EDIT: The problem with taking a brief hiatus to eat a popsicle and snuggle your cat is that you COMPLETELY lose your trail of thought. Orrrr it kinda makes you realize you didn't really have one in the first place and maybe you should just GTFOff the computer and watch Arnold Schwarzenegger be pregnant in a movie (seriously, I don't understand why Junior was never Oscar-nominated). But I digress...

So I guess what I was trying to say back there is that for the past weekish or so, I have been having dizzy spells, headaches, nausea, the shakes (is there a real-life word for that? I'd use trembling but that sounds kinda...inappropriate-y), forgetfulness and weird limb sensations which means I am PROBABLY dying. Except that I'm probably NOT dying, I'm just sad and overdramatic and fifty-milligrams of Adderall paranoid when I haven't even been TAKING my Adderall BECAUSE it makes me so goddamn paranoid.

Grumble grumble.

I feel very stuck, and I'm not quite sure how to get unstuck. Empirically, I know I am intellectually gifted, creative, amusing and hard-working, but I have so much of the anxieties that usually I just sit on the couch being sad for extended periods of time.

Mas electroshock, por favor.