Ass Burger

holy christ the layout has changed on this thing DAAAAAAAAAAYUMMMM

so anyway, last week I met with the local superstar of Asperger's
and she was all
um
yep
you just spent the better part of the hour alternately staring at me without blinking slash looking at the ceiling
you, sir, are an ass burger

and so I'm kinda like
(well, more like REALLY like)
pissed off that no one was like
OHEY
you CLEARLY exhibit signs of this disorder
buuuuuuuuuuut
howbout we diagnose it as seven different other things
and drug the fuck out of you
MRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFF

so I was chatting up the superstar
tellin her bout all the childhood traumas and whatnot
and then tellin her bout all the social failures
middle school
and about boy-who-I-thought-was-my-friend and all the advantage he took
because here's the thing
I'm jaded as all living fuck
but like
I'm also really naive
and I don't know how that works
well actually mostly it doesn't
but it is what it is
I am who I am
and I like me, mostly, I just want to be able to reach out to people more

cause therapist and I (not the superstar) were like
oh right
insight
YOU HAS IT
but also
YOU HAVE NO COMMON SENSE
like it literally dawned on me just two weeks ago that people view me as a sexual being

...

I have taken ALL THE WOMEN'S STUDIES CLASSES
been subject to ALL THE STREET HARASSMENT
had ALL THE PERIODS
but I guess it just never occurred to me that people view me in that way

THAT INSIGHT WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH MORE HELPFUL A YEAR AGO
but it's not even really insight
it's just a thing
other people seem to understand it
perceive things like that
and I'm just in my own little la la land
which is fine most of the time
but like
I'd really like to not be taken advantage of
and I'd like to know if Boy at Work is really flirting with me or not
because he says yoink and shazam
and apparently that is the key to my heart

but real talk, I have NO IDEA how to fucking navigate human social relations
especially sexypants ones
I can't tell if he is equally as oblivious of social cues as I am
or if he's like...#giggity but we work together so is sneakypants about it
pretty much until someone is like
look
I want to stick my penis inside of you
I am like
LUUUUUUUUUURRRRRDERPA NOT UNDERSTAND

I feel really helpless about this
and logic-me knows I have agency
and that this is something I can work on
and that in all honesty, I am probably much more endearing and funny because of it
but I just don't want to be all heartbroken again
cause that shit is the WORST

and sometimes I feel like everything is a giant lie
because so much of communication isn't even words, it's body language
and if reading facial minutia was a class
I would do the opposite of pass it
like
WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST FUCKING SAY WHAT THEY MEAN
within reason

but you know
one thing Superstar said about people with Asperger's really stuck with me
and I wish I could remember what she said exactly
but it was something to the effect of
she knows a woman with it
who lives so honest a life
so earnestly
that Superstar is almost jello that she doesn't get to experience the world the way that Woman with Asperger's does

so I'm like
cool
I'm special
CA$HMONEY

and I think I'm ramblin on meow but really I guess I'm just super thankful for all the people that I love
who love me for me
Ass burger and all