Solo.
Both incredible & terrifying.
As far as Aspie sensory issues go, I was actually pretty kosher--I went in knowing there would be loud, and as ear plugs are for bitches, I brought none. I put on my Old Navy skinnies (which the lead singer also wore!) and combat boots, a black tank and hoodie and was on my way.
The venue was big, but not overwhelmingly so--the Blue Moon was 6.25, which was balls, but worth it.
Clutch (the only thing that mattered) had THREE warm up bands, hellooo overkill, and they didn't go on until almost three hours after the show started. To which I was all, grumble grumble, because when you SAY a thing starts at a certain time, YOU START IT AT A CERTAIN TIME.
But, I digress.
A man stood next to me when Clutch were monkeyin' around with their doohickeys and soundchecking whatnot, and I face-smush smiled at him because apparently that's my default "I don't know what to say to you but we have a shared interest and also I'm here alone and haven't spoken in two hours" face. He seemed nice enough, and he held out his hand with what I thought were ear plugs, which I politely declined because, as I mentioned before, is for bitches. His comment was "this doesn't mean we're girlfriend and boyfriend," and I gave an awkward laugh, mostly because that is my default reaction for social situations in which I am unsure how to proceed.
A friend had warned me that it gets "moshey" up front, so I was all steely-resolve face ready to thrash around, as if I had something to prove to myself--that just because I have this condition, or way of being, doesn't mean I can't do things all the other neurotypicals can.
And I did really well, actually, until I realized what Not Boyfriend was doing.
Now, throughout the course of the concert, I was bumped, stepped on, and elbowed--things to be expected when you're packed in like sardines. What was not expected (or welcome), however, was the groping. Thank goodness I didn't leave my hoodie in the car like I'd planned, or I'm sure it'd have been worse. One guy groped my hips from behind, and I didn't pay it any mind at first because I figured they were just trying to get through or something. NOPE.
FUCKING NEWSFLASH: I DIDN'T COME TO THIS CONCERT IN THE HOPES THAT YOUR SCRAGGLY ASS WOULD CARESS MY THIGHS. NOT A THING.
But anyway, Not Boyfriend.
So Not Boyfriend and I were caught in the middle of all the mosh, and it was sweaty and weird and awesome. I actually felt really safe in the mosh, oddly enough, because it seems like they've got some sort of code where No Man Gets Moshed Behind. So if someone falls, they are RIGHT UP IN THAT SHIT to bring the person back up. And I'm like, respect.
Not Boyfriend had different ideas, though. Maybe.
He got behind me and pushed other moshers away--we kind of moved as one unit. Which was actually pretty cool for a while, and I was like, AWESOME, ACQUIRED BODYGUARD, I WIN.
But then I started thinking about certain social scripts, and I got kind of worried.
It seemed like his hands kept creeping upwards--and to be fair, it's quite possible that it was accidental, as I am quite floppy when it comes to moshing, like those wacky waving inflatable arm tube man things. But when I put all of the things together--the Not Boyfriend statement, the drug offer, my weird face smush smile thing, it occurred to me that he could have misread some things (and that I was unaware I was sending any kind of signals).
I am typically level headed, sometimes, I guess, but once I put all that together my instincts were like NOPE NOPE NOPE and I ducked out and made my way towards the bathroom.
I left the venue very shortly thereafter because I no longer felt safe.
I feel like I totally babbled and lost track of what the hell I was talking about, but here's the gist: as an Aspie, I can and do enjoy things that a statistically significant portion of ASD people cannot or do not want to do. I can blend in surprisingly well, even if I do come off as shy, aloof or awkward. But when the unexpected hits, when a variable I hadn't considered pops up, my flight response (pretty sure I don't have a fight response) kicks in and I'm like LOL KBAI instead of trying to calm down or think things through.
And I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing.
Really, it just is what it is--the reality of my inability to perceive people's intentions means I am generally more cautious than most, and I think that sometimes prevents me from opening myself up to new experiences and people that could have a positive impact on my life. But for what I lack in regular senses, I make up for in people instinct--not quite sure how to explain it, but sometimes I just get a really bad feeling about a person, almost like an animal instinct, and that instinct has never let me down. I trust it completely.
Mostly I'm just like, dafuq. I just wanted to enjoy the damn concert and people just kept being weird.
Definitely never going alone again.
Fucking patriarchy.
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