Monday, April 11, 2011

Same Old Song and Dance

Six years ago today, I tried to kill myself.

I was desperate, afraid, and angry that no one was taking me seriously.

And today, I feel it's not that different.

As this semester has gone by, I've gotten progressively worse. Where I once was able to skim by, I am now unable. Incapable. I literally can't do anything except stare at a poster of kittens for hours on end. To stop the racing thoughts, I've resorted to watching ten plus hours of television a day, just so I feel like I can survive.

I haven't read in months. Well, years really--but I'm talking more specifically in terms of classwork. I failed, literaly failed my Black Studies midterm, which I'm ashamed to say is not my first failing, but possibly the most painful. I just can't think anymore, can't concentrate, can't do much of anything.

I'm 21 years old, and I'm burned out on life already.

I somehow managed to finish my comp, piece of shit as it is, but I got my first academic standards note from the Learning Commons for Contra. Fucking CONTRA. I think it's because I turned a paper in two hours late. Thing is, though, that the night before I had been driving home from a conference in Boston when my transmission fluid started leaking and the hood of my car was smoking. I had to drive three people in my car afraid that my transmission was going to explode, and when I finally got home safely, my first instinct was not "gotta turn already mostly written contra paper in!," it was "holy fuck, I can't deal with all this shit, solution=bed."

There are far worse things happening to far better people, so why can't I just buckle down and do what needs done? Why does this always, always, always happen to me?

2 comments:

  1. <3 I wish I had all the right words and things to make everything better. Unfortunately, I don't. But if you EVER EVER EVER need someone to talk to, know that I am here for you. I miss you. And I don't mean I miss the old you or the happy you or the whatever you you think is missing. I mean you. 100% you.

    But yeah. I'm here for you. And I believe in you.

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  2. Is also here. Seriously, don't hesitate. I loves you.

    ReplyDelete